The problem is that the restrictions change from day to day. For the next test, which is in progress at the moment, Dr. Specialist is having me eat as much fat as possible (aiming for 100 grams per day) so he can measure how much of it isn't getting absorbed. Hence the last few nights of dis-figuring dining: burgers topped with blue cheese, spring rolls from scratch, and butter-drenched shrimp scampi (see below). Goodbye, waist; hello, tasty, tasty stuff. With gut-wrenching side effects.
Photo courtesy Almost Dr. Sis. This is actually a shot of the dish when she prepared it three weeks ago -- last week's has been demolished.
On Wednesday, I'll be switching over to this diet to prepare for Thursday's test, which measures levels of GI-tract bacteria:
- white bread (no fiber, no whole grain)
- eggs (hard/soft boiled)
- grilled or broiled chicken (seasoned with salt and pepper only)
- white rice (seasoned with salt and pepper only, no butter or margarine)
- tuna fish, baked or broiled white fish seasoned with salt and pepper only
- turkey or chicken lunch meat
- plain water (not flavored)
- coffee or plain tea (no dairy, sugar, or artificial sweeteners)
- clear chicken or beef broth
After that, I get 24 hours of more-or-less normal eating, then I start removing all whole-grain foods, salad greens, and dairy, progressing (regressing?) to nothing but clear liquids and a tasty little prep solution on Sunday to prepare for Monday's colonoscopy.
Yeah, the procedure my parents had last year, the one recommended for people once they hit age 50. I am so not close to 50.
But I sort of saw this coming after the last appointment with my GI doctor in Seattle. And fortunately, growing up in my family meant automatically developing a commodious sense of humor, so Almost Dr. Sis and I have been cracking poop jokes for a week to keep things light around here. I mean, why pass on such a bottomless can of laughs? (You can groan all you like.)
But in all seriousness, I cannot wait to have that colonoscopy -- if only so I don't have to refer to my Google calendar to see what the day's menu requirements are.
8 comments:
ugh - this sounds like a crazy culinary odyssey! I do hope the tests come back negative or positive, or whatever you want them to be!
((CT))
Ugh. I am bowel-ed over (sorry!) by your healthy perspective and the humor you bring to your situation. I join MW in wishing you exactly the results you hope for - and a quick return to less scripted eating.
What the fuck kind of assholery is this?
Diet #1: Backside Suicide
Diet #2: Sounds like what my perennially constipated Miss M. eats on a daily basis
Diet #3: Whodahell consumes chicken broth?
Girl. You sooooo have my sympathy. And if you have any questions/concerns, email me and I will nag my hubs to give his layman's opinion, okay?
Thinking of you.
Wishing you the best on all the "diets" and tests. Thinking about you through all this!
Oh CT I really do sympathise. About three years ago I had my gall bladder out and for about 2-3 months afterwards I could not really leave the house in case I needed the loo IMMEDIATELY. You know that feeling - where even a minute's delay will be too long. This sounds like the state you must have been in.
Fingers crossed the results are good and, if not, that the remedies are swift and painless
xx
MW -- thanks. Indeed, the grocery shopping was quite the adventure last week! Almost Dr. Sis, awesome and flexible chef that she is, has been totally game for whatever restrictions we have to work around. Thank goodness for that.
Kristen -- HA! Really, I encourage the jokes. No need to apologize :). Thanks for the good wishes.
TKW -- assholery indeed and how it pains me! Too apt. I feel for Miss M. (whether she thinks her situation merits that or not). But at least if, heaven forbid, she ever needs the test I'm getting Thursday, she won't find the prep diet unpleasant ... ? Many thanks to you and your hubs.
Sherlock -- our diets are something else, eh? Hoping you're doing well and that you're enjoying much gustatory freedom. That scampi recipe is quite low-carb if your doctor hasn't restricted your butter intake :)
FF -- yow, gallbladder! Glad that's no longer causing you trouble. At the moment I'm not house-bound, but I don't think I'll be able to say that this weekend. All in the name of answers, right? Thinking of you too and hoping you had a lovely time in Paris.
I love the poop humor. We are certainly connaiseurs of such humor at our house. You would be LOVED at our dinner table. Although actually we do not allow potty talk at the table, so you'd have to wait until we retired to the sitting area to commence with said humor. But my kids would LOVE it! :)
Hope you're not too uncomfortable.
((((CT)))))
GEW, I wish I could say I wasn't going to take anymore of this crap sitting down, but ... ;)
A postprandial poop-humor salon chez GEW! The idea sounds marvelous.
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