So D rescued me. He peeled the peaches from the farmer's market and sliced them into a pile of juicy, golden wedges so I wouldn't get hives all over my hands. And when the cake came out of the oven, he gamely clapped a chopping board over the pan, palmed it with ease, and inverted the whole mess with a daredevil grin. I loved him for it.
In the past, I counted on him to be that rescuer for bigger things, things with greater emotional stakes -- family and all its traps, especially. I leaned on him because I (understandably) couldn't lean on myself. Then our own problems began to emerge, and I was alone, still unpracticed at being there just for me. We learned to avoid conflict -- easier to step around each other, swallowing our frustrations so as not to have those all-out fights, ones that would leave me waiting for him to patch me back up.
It's not sustainable, that dynamic. And I've known it for a while but haven't had the resources within to draw upon. But I'm working on that now, relearning, in a topsy-turvy way, how to repair myself.
I won't lie: it sucks. On many days, I'm not sure which end is up, and figuring it out leaves me spent and spread-eagled. And let's not forget afraid -- I fear that after so many months of emotional wreckage, D will have reached his limits. He has reached his limits. I've felt his patience wear long past thin, and it's terrified me. I can't learn quickly enough.
But he's still there, waiting, willing to offer a hand if I really need it. I think we both sense there's a new equilibrium to be gained for me and for us.
For that, I can only be grateful.
For the original recipe, click here. Modified recipe to come.
4 comments:
Oh yum!
(and how funny, I'm allergic to certain raw fruits & vegetables as well! Such an odd thing...)
I've been told that some of that is actually caused by a fungus growing on the produce, not the produce itself. I thought I was allergic to raw apples, for example, but it turns out dipping them in lemon juice or white vinegar before washing with regular water kills the fungus! And then no hives :)
(Unfortunately, stone fruits are their own allergy for me.)
How pretty and I am sure tasty! And together you can work through issues...the key is communication instead of the easy way out (shutting down). Sounds like you've been through much together and depended on one another to lighten the load. Remember that a marriage is not 50/50 but 100/100, and it is well worth it...I think you guys have something special and he seems to have a way of seeing some family issues from a perspective that is difficult to seperate yourself from...I've been there.
I like the idea of 100/100, SuziCate. We have much to work on to get there, but we're trying.
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