So I turned in Chapter 5.
And then I crashed.
Not that I wasn't trying to get the next part of this thesis done -- I spent every day last week staring at a blinking cursor, typing sentences only to delete them or hit enter to move them down the page because they led nowhere. False starts. Words that felt labored and unclear because the direction of the work itself, at this juncture, is nebulous too.
I fear these moments most. Chapter 5 closed a major section of the project -- an accomplishment to be proud of. But with it, the momentum of the story shut down too. There's much more I need to say, and in turning this work into a book after I finish my MFA, I will. But for now, for the next two or three chapters that I must write to make my page count to graduate, I need to know what piece comes next in this puzzle. And because all the previous chapters have so cleanly packaged themselves together (not something I anticipated, but that's where the writing went), it's like I'm starting a new thesis, in a way.
I'm not good at beginnings. And last week, in the face of this unexpected return to one, I thrashed, going back again and again to the keyboard when I should have just given myself a break. You see, I wanted to speed up the process. These blocks don't crumble without a lot of trial and error, and I figured the more time I put in, the sooner I'd find a way through.
It hasn't happened. And after so many miserable days, I need a new approach. So I'm reading other writers' words, hoping for inspiration, and trying to ignore that feeling of powerlessness as the clock ticks on.
It's still staggering.
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5 comments:
I know all too well moments of drought! But chapeter 5! How great is that?! I think you are inspiring to be honest!
Staring at the blinking cursor. Oh God. E-M-P-A-T-H-Y, my friend.
Sometimes, you just need to let your head empty.
Or - you need a game. An inane, unrelated challenge. Ask a writer friend to propose that you craft something silly and for no other reason than the fun of it.
For instance - an Italian sonnet, in which you speak of garlic and cuban cigars.
Or, 500 words of musing on any topic, as long as it includes 8 colors, three little-used adjectives starting with the letter 'j' and the words raucous, mandatory, lithe, simian, and ball.
Add three spices.
See what you get.
Oh - it doesn't have that - but 'twould be fun, no? This is something that an old writing pal and I used to do every few weeks as part of a writing group online, when we'd be too tired from "real life" and parenting and jobs to find the writing soul.
Generally, these exercises shook something loose. Or loosened our laughter at the very least!
xoxo
Repose-toi un peu, quand-meme. Cela reviendra. Ne t'en fais pas.
SuziCate -- I am excited to have gotten so far. Looking at the point in my progress a year ago, I would never have thought I'd make it to now!
BLW -- I LOVE this game. It made me think of a writing group that would appreciate your experienced contribution. This one, specifically. I was referred to it through another blog whose author I recently met.
I am catching on my blog reading, and so I read your most recent post, and then I re-read the post-conference post, and I was struch by how different the two are in terms of your state of mind. In the post-conference post, you seem so inspired, and in the recent one, well, obviously not so much. Isn't it interesting how quickly things can change. I wonder if you were to read, specifically, some of the writers you heard at the conference, if that "language" you mention would strike you and stir your own voice.
Congrats on Chapter Five! I've never written five chapters of anything, so I'm very impressed. :)
I was just about to post about this, GEW! How uncanny. I actually did check out some titles from the library, all books that I'd heard about or found at the conference. The one I just finished today was a particularly timely read. The wheels have been turning as I've made my way through it, so your advice is/was spot-on this week :). Chapter 6 is established and moving forward.
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