A writer classmate of mine once used that phrase, which she'd acquired from a former professor. I'm invoking it now because, well, there's a lot I'd like to eff.
I don't mean eff as in that wonderfully flexible expletive I would have liked to utter (as noun, adjective, verb, or other part of speech -- thank you, George Carlin) when, at the end of yesterday, my manuscript was not in my hands. Yes, I've e-mailed my professor to get the tracking number.
No, I mean, the unbloggable kind of things I'd like to eff. There are those things that, though usually not trotted out in conversation with acquaintances, I do write about here: thoughts on family, thoughts on illness.
But then there's the stuff of ugly fights, in person, on the phone. The kinds of things you take to a mediator because you just don't have the perspective to work through them in a constructive way. Because both parties involved are raw.
That's been the last month, after many more months of buildup. And I'm not inclined to go into it here because it's not constructive. Not yet.
But that plan for getting through thesis? Well, it works when it's just thesis stuff getting me down. It's not enough for the specific kind of loneliness you feel after you hang up (by mutual agreement), after you sit for hours in silence not knowing what to say or do (because the alternative -- speaking -- will make things worse).
This is what makes my thesis feel so pointless sometimes.
Yes, we have professionals lined up; yes, it's helping. A lot. I don't want to imagine where we'd be without all that in place. We are so new, however, to the changes we've agreed to make, so used to the old habits. Under duress, we fall back on what we know and everything refragments.
I confess: yesterday, I totally effed my plan. Today, I get back to it. And reshape it to address what I can't eff here.
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2 comments:
Obviously, I don't know what's going on, but I do know the sensation of "raw." And maybe none of us can have the words you might need other than flippant or easy platitudes, so I'll skip those.
Family matters, close relationships, illness - there are no formulas for getting through. Sometimes maybe it's about slugging it out, trusting others, setting things aside long enough to be just a little less raw (always harder when you have several of these challenging stressors working on you at the same time).
I know for me, what has helped just a little is stepping back into some quiet (in my head) - not easy - and thinking about what really matters. Trying to strip down to the barest essentials. Who do I love? Why? What do I contribute to their lives? What can I see through their eyes that perhaps I haven't, given what is pressing on me?
Whatever it is, however many "it's" there may be, I wish for you the time and space and deep breath to figure it out. Or for it to ease just enough, so things are a little less raw.
xoxo
Hello, wise Wolf. I'm coming up for air before returning to the writing. Have been trying to think of what to say in reply here for these last few days, and with all that is -- yes, you've come up with the right phrase -- pressing on me, I'm having a hard time finding words. Just gratitude that someone out there gets it.
Your questions are good. I'm all about essentials right now. Am carrying your counsel around with me; I know it's making a difference.
xoxo
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