The end of the semester is coming quickly, which means I have to send my 40-odd pages of rough draft to my thesis committee so I can get feedback before everyone disappears for the holidays. I was cool with that until earlier this week, when my advisor mentioned the one word I've been trying not to think about since my prospectus meeting in May ...
Structure.
My advisor is absolutely right in poking me about this bugaboo of mine. But I've been dreading it, knowing it was coming. If you've been following along, you know that my committee essentially told me to scrap the outline I'd come up with and just play with my writing, see what comes out, return to my intuition. So I did exactly that. I wrote in scenes, threw my heart into the emotional side of the words rather than worry about technical finesse. The result is that I have lots of solid vignettes on the page in raw form. But now, I have to find a way to string them together, to pin them to some kind of larger narrative arc. And I am horrible at that.
I wrote a long letter back to my advisor with my initial thoughts on what form that arc might take, based on the prospectus I'd submitted at the end of the spring, but I was fairly candid about how I wasn't sure it was the right way to go anymore. The reason: the family drama that occurred between then and now.
Yeeeeeeeeees, writing about family is messy on its own, but it gets even messier when your relationships with certain members of your family change significantly. So, basically, I'm not the same person I was when I wrote the prospectus, and the narrative arc I established then no longer helps me tell a true story from my current point of view, attitude, etc. Sigh. I'm glad that I've started the process of thinking out loud about this puzzle and that I've explained where I'm coming from to my advisor, but I really hope she writes back soon. I'm more than mildly worried that now she thinks I'm a total spaz.
5 comments:
It makes sense to me that your narrative structure--since it's based on relationships that still exist--is a moving target. I empathize with the challenges and hope that your supervisors are understanding and helpful! Alas, I, myself, have no advice.
Just blind support! Yay for your 40 pages!
Ah, the joys of family dynamics...
Hope you get word from your advisor soon, and like GEW said, congrats on the 40 pages.
GEW -- moving target is the perfect way to describe it. Maybe that's why blogging is so much easier. The arc is life as it happens.
TKW -- yes, methinks my joy runneth over ;). I have to say, before I read your blog, it never dawned on me to inject humor (wry or otherwise) into writing about the situation while still staying true to the feelings underneath. You balance that well.
Don't some things just seem too awful to even contemplate most of the time. You really have my sympathies and I hope you get a quick reply so you can make a start on the NS bogey words.
Thanks, FF! Yes, sometimes it is too tough to contemplate. In an ironic way, though, writing makes it easier too. You think, you write, and in those acts, you process. Whatever's weighing on me doesn't go away or allow itself to be let go until the processing happens.
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